Small Mercies That Are Very Great

When Jonathan and I arrived Wednesday morning at the Phoenix-Mesa airport, accompanied by Pastor Castle from Gospel Center where we had moved our belongings, I was so weak I could hardly stand up, much less navigate my big suitcase full of meds and other things. 

 Besides, I was having some concerning symptoms and I was a little scared of how those would turn out. We were waiting our turn to check in our luggage with me just focusing on staying upright and not collapsing. 

 

So when my big suitcase ended up 3 pounds overweight, I was staring a repacking job in the face--except that the airline agent suddenly announced that she could combine the weight of our two pieces of luggage, which would average out just fine, since Jonathan's duffle bag was underweight, and we were on the same ticket. (We didn't have a scales ahead of time and Jonathan could only guess.) With help from another agent and a few clicks on the computer, she sent our luggage on their way while I thanked her in tears, expressing how I was weak after cancer treatment, and how this accommodation was a special mercy from the Lord. She wished us to have a blessed day.  

We had never in our many, many airline experiences, ever had that happen before. But God allowed this special mercy, and I felt so rejuvenated from it, that I literally felt strengthened within minutes, and the other symptoms absolutely disappeared!  

 

 On the plane, I read in my Psalm, "Mine arm also shall strengthen him."

   And then Jonathan was  reading his chapter in Isaiah for the day and showed me what it was, "But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. 

 

they shall mount up with wings like the eagles; they shall run and not be weary, and they shall walk and not faint."

 I sat there in total awe. God had absolutely kept His promise in a very real way that morning!

Walking on Water–Who? Me?

Just before leaving Arizona, I'd had to pack up our stuff two or three different directions. Part of it was going with us on the airplane, and the rest was staying in Arizona to go back with us when we drove home after the week in October when we are to be down in AZ again for some followup treatments. Some things had to be used overnight at Gospel Center before flying next morning, so that was another consideration. I also had to try to halfway clean up behind ourselves, launder bedding and towels, and make the beds up clean and nice again that our family had used. The owners so graciously told us they had already booked a cleaning lady to clean so I didn't have to worry about leaving things spotless. But to say I was overwhelmed that last day in Arizona is putting it mildly.

              We had a final appointment to meet at 3 o'clock, and I was gasping, grunting, and groaning with a few last minute loads and scrubbing.  I felt as if I was Peter, having to do impossible things like walking on water. Trips back and forth to Arizona to stay on top of cancer while living in an RV still in South Dakota but then moving into our house in a few days while finishing the house while I am sometimes too weak to keep walking. 

And then I have to walk on water.

       Overwhelm hit me again the morning after we arrived in South Dakota. Over and over I fought the waves of hopelessness.. The cardboard and buckets and plastic that relentless South Dakota wind had blown into the draw. The construction and other trash blown into crevices in the lumber and siding piles. The garage floor covered with dried mud and grain that naughty goats had spilled. The huge construction mess in the house with tools and cardboard and trash and drywall dust all over every last thing–including furniture stuffed and stored in the office.
    The meds and vitamins and paraphernalia that I still haven’t quite gotten organized in the small spaces in the RV. The cluttered stove and wee counter, and the countless times I still have to go up and down steps just to take and bring dishes in and out. Essiac tea to brew aand goat cheese to make and hours of cancer-fighting protocol to follow. Distractions everywhere I look. Endless work ahead as far into the future as I can see.

    “We were in here looking out at the leaves changing color last year,” I remarked to Jonathan as we both looked out the window from our dark RV at the yellowing elm leaves. 

If only he could have stayed here instead of taking care of me in Arizona, me too weak most of the time to drive myself home after each day's treatment. (Though he was my favorite person for taking care of me! I LOVED that we could be there together--the best part of the whole ordeal!)

Now it's been well over a year–and I’m still stuffed into the RV, now trying to stay on top of cancer.
    “Thanks!” I want to growl. No, I can’t go there.  

Jesus, help me to look to you instead of the overwhelm! Jesus, I feel like I’m going to have to walk on water! It looks so impossible. So many people have already come to help, but it’s such a humongous job. I never wanted such a big job. I never asked for all this. I wanted an easier way...Help me to look to You and not at the waves!

    It had been a long time since I’d turned to my Bible with such eagerness. But it had spoken to Jonathan and me so clearly and surprisingly (yet why should we be surprised?)on an almost daily basis recently, and wouldn’t it speak again?
    As usual, it was just the next verse, in Psalm 89. “I will beat down his foes before his face and plague those who hate him.”
    I remembered Dr. Z talking about “beating the cancer back.” He was talking about herceptin beating cancer back, and how often cancer will come “roaring back.”
    But upon entering native ministry, we have more foes than ever–the devil and all his minions, negative thoughts, perhaps our own less-than-perfect judgment as human beings, trying to make the best choices for our family and for me with my diagnosis, and so much more. Today part of the “foes” is mess and clutter and endless work and dried mud and the temptation to blame someone for it all. 

    “I will beat back his foes before his face.”
    Whack!
    “Hannah, we don’t need to worry about school this morning. It will only take you ten minutes to gather the trash from the draw.”
    Yes, that looks better. I can feel restful now when I go up and down the hills from RV to house to take over the garbage pail and bring back fresh eggs.
    “Then will you please go up and sweep all the mud out of the garage. It’s okay to track mud in on a rainy day, but when it dries, it’s time to sweep it out so we can have a clean floor till the next rain.”
    Line upon line, precept upon precept, teaching how to put up with an inconvenience but then overcome it. You don’t have to live with mud and mess and squalor. Another enemy down. Now I can go into the garage without passing out.
    Thwack!

    What if that’s all I got done that day besides trying to survive? What if Hannah and Danny also squeezed in cleaning out all the mess in my new bedroom and Jonathan installed the bathroom vanity and more cabinetry in the kitchen and the rest of the first floor interior doors? My man is amazing!    What if the next day while Jonathan and Danny ran to Pierre to pick up the kitchen countertops and buy me a papaya Hannah and I squeezed in writing a letter to a cousin who just came out of surgery and running one mile to town to buy her a gift and get drinking water and send out a book order? And what if half the counter top and more was done in the afternoon?

    What if I even could take advantage of the last few summer days to walk up the southwest draw in the trees and find a spot to sit in the sun? Part of the protocol the doctors sent me home with prescribed walking, grounding, sitting in the sun, and “forest bathing,” one of the most relaxing things we can do. (How did they know I might need to find time to relax?) Letting go of stress is vital to healing, they said. I will always have reasons to stress. So I must learn to let it go.

 
    What if I did it? What if I realized while sitting in the utterly beautiful sunshine, warm all over, that God had allowed us to return home to South Dakota in time to enjoy a few more days of summer, when the leaves were still mostly green? How did God know how satisfying the summer colors and warmth were to an almost-always-cold little lady’s heart? But of course He knew!

    I reveled in it for one solid hour. My bare feet dug under the forest foliage into the damp soil underneath, skin warm in the sunshine. Feeling the relaxation in the middle of a day that was anything but.

   For this day, God beat back my foes. I looked away from the waves to Jesus. I sat in the sun in a sunny spot in the trees. With eyes on Jesus, I walked on water.

When Inconveniences Become Providences

 

 We hit the ground running, back into native American ministry--weak as water or not! As we mentioned in earlier posts, instead of flying into Rapid City, Jonathan and I ended up flying into Sioux Falls which is a good bit further from home. 

When Jonathan was trying to get tickets, he was hesitating about the tickets to Rapid City, and later checked into tickets to Sioux Falls, discovering that we would save over $300 by flying to Sioux Falls. It was inconvenient, because of the distance, but it seemed the best thing, and Pastor Ambrose from White River would come with Danny and Hannah to pick us up. 

Little did we know when we got the tickets that SIM President Keith Lavery would be messaging us about our friend Faye from White River. She had ended up at the hospital in Sioux Falls! Might we be able to work in a stop to see her? Might we! We were delighted to agree. Until I remembered that I had just had how many rounds of chemo, my white blood cell count was low, and a hospital was probably the last place I should be! What a bummer! But, especially after finding out it was around Faye's birthday, we decided that Jonathan, Hannah, and Pastor Ambrose could still go in.  So we found our way to Avera Hospital, found a spot for our big van to squeeze in, and the three trailed inside to find Faye's room. We decided that Jonathan would call me from her room so that I could maybe find her window and wish her a happy birthday.

Well, after a bit Jonathan was contacting me and with me standing down below on my phone, I helped the three of them sing "Happy Birthday" to dear Faye, who was very weak and hardly able to talk. ("Where there is a will, there's a way," as the saying goes!) And then I knew that with Faye unable to talk much, maybe I should do more talking to her on the phone--or singing--to help the guys out. Just then I noticed two little brown sparrows in the bushes next to me, and asked Faye if she would like me to sing "His Eye Is on the Sparrow" to her. I could hear the delight as she agreed. So I just started singing--there with my phone on the sidewalk down below the windows of the hospital.

I got most of the way through the first verse when something happened. In that moment, a WHOLE FLOCK of sparrows suddenly winged their way out of those bushes! 

 

I stopped right in the middle of my song and gasped, "There's a whole flock of sparrows!" before deciding to proceed with the song. My voice was wobbling dreadfully until I remembered that I really shouldn't cry, for poor Faye's sake, so I sternly got hold of myself and kept singing.

Several of the sparrows sat on the wall, as if they were wondering what on earth was that new bird on the block with the new sort of bird call?

Two ladies went by, pushing a hospital patient in a wheel chair, and I slipped further under the patio roof and kept singing. I thought they were going to some car down by the street but they turned around and came around by way of the patio behind me, smiling from ear to ear. 

I kept singing, leaving the patio and looking up at the windows above me, hoping that the ladies would understand that I was trying to sing to a patient up there somewhere and not just being totally ridiculous.

And then I told Faye on the phone that we had to get on our way as we had three and a half hours to drive yet, and we had to say goodbye. But me? I still had my phone in my hand and I went across the road to try to get a picture of all those sparrows. Well, that captured more attention as an older couple walked by on their way to the hospital, saw me staring up into the tree, and asked what I was trying to get a picture of. We had a little chat about the song about the sparrow. I love how the Lord leads paths to cross. And it was an incredible joy to be back into native American ministry--even if we did have to improvise how we do hospital visitation!!

 

Uninvited Guest--Shoo!

 This morning I was busy sorting and packing up to move out of this condo back to Gospel Center when to my consternation I discovered an uninvited visitor appearing beside me by the dining table!

 It was the neighbor's dog! We had left both the front gate and the front door open since we were in and out carrying our belongings.

Now there are quite a number of dogs in the area, including a darling lemon labrador puppy just a couple doors down the way that has the cutest long ears and the prettiest taupe and white colors I've ever seen! We often meet that puppy and its owner when we are both out for our morning walk! That puppy never even yips, much less barks or roars like this neighbor dog that had just appeared out of nowhere at my feet in my own dining area of the condo! That puppy would just climb up us and want to lick our face, like a kiss from an angel.

This dog at my feet, however, although perfectly harmless, had not been particularly an angel! Until recently, she usually barked ferociously at me from a distance as if I was some sort of robber or fiend. And when her owner would call her and settle her down, I discovered that the dog's name was Annie, which is awfully close to my own name!

Without further ado, upon discovering my newfound enemy-suddenly-turned-friend in my own home, I began the process of shooing her out! This did not take long, for Annie, the dog, seemed eager enough to go back to familiar surroundings! Out she loped, not quite remembering where the door was, and then out the gate she trotted. I closed the gate behind her, and also closed the front door. 

And that was the end of that! Except that I couldn't help thinking about uninvited guests suddenly appearing out of nowhere.

We didn't invite them; they are just there, like Mr. Wog, the frog sitting there at the river just as we arrived to dabble in Green River a few weeks ago on a hot afternoon. He sat there in his spot under the bank, staring at us as we stared back at him, like staring at uninvited negative thoughts, fears, doubts, worries, emotions. Suddenly, they are swirling in our head or sitting starting at us in our emotions--out of nowhere. 

I remembered the conversation I had with my friend and fellow patient Judy at the clinic. We were discussing the habit the clinic teaches of emptying one's mind by meditating silently, focusing on breathing or a simple thing like a sunset or sound. 

They teach it is necessary to stop thinking to clear our minds, so that healing thoughts of beauty, love, peace, and joy can take the place of the negativity that so often clutters our mind.

If we keep thinking with no stopping, thoughts automatically swirl and are usually negative, which does not help healing.

As a Christian, I told Judy that I had found help through this little secret. Practicing stopping my thinking had often opened my mind to what was good and beautiful and forgiving and healing. I felt we could adapt this concept to be of use in our lives as Christians. 

Then Judy was saying how she had found so much freedom since she learned that often it is the devil that literally injects sinful or wrong thoughts into our minds and then accuses the thoughts as being from our own heart. We need to recognize this, she said, and simply reject those thoughts. 

After my uninvited canine guest this morning, I thought about this conversation again.

Negative thoughts and feelings can even have our name attached. Or a close resemblance to our name--such as Annie versus Anna. But just because the thought or emotion is suddenly there doesn't mean it belongs to us or that it came from a heart that wants to please God.

When worries or fears or anxieties or dread come sneaking into our minds unaware, it is entirely possible to shoo them away.

Whether they come roaring in like a lion or slipping in like the curious neighbor dog, we can choose, rather than petting them to shoo them straight out the door!

As I have heard over and over, there is a saying, "You can't keep the birds from landing on your head; but you can keep them from building a nest in your hair!"

 

Unexpected Rainbow in the Mist

 A couple days ago we were coming home right on the hour when the fountain was going off at the lake.

 

And to our unsuspecting eyes, a rainbow shimmered in the mist! We just had to turn around and go back to watch. 

 

The rainbow would shimmer and then disappear, and then come back again, depending on how the mist blew or whether a cloud wafted over the sun.

And then when we arrived back at our condo, Jonathan was the first to go in and when he came back out to meet me coming in with my load, he waited behind me to snap the picture when I discovered a surprise waiting for me outside the door!

 

It was a bouquet from the doctor's wife and the doctor whose condo this was, to congratulate finishing my time at the clinic!

These are just two more surprises among the many unexpected joys and blessings that happened down here in Arizona. 

How can I ever forget the night we arrived in the 110 degree heat even at 10 o'clock at night?

  

How I had practically curled into a heap on my seat, my head in my lap, filled with utter dread and fear and anguish about ending up down here with no idea how things were going to go?

 

Wondering how I would ever manage in that spot in the middle of the worst section of Phoenix? I would make the best of it, I had determined, but little did I know the surprise after surprise God had for me?

One of the most constant delights has been watching quail families grow up, watching as they come out at both dawn and dusk from the wild area behind our place.  

The papa quail was here on our patio wall just a few evenings ago.  

He was watching over some of his little ones who aren't so little anymore.  

 We watched as they pecked around under the little palm tree. I don't know what they got to eat under there, but they were sure trying!

And of course, there have always been doves. Sometimes flocks of them.

And almost no end of beautiful sunrises. 

 Too many unexpected joys and blessings to name. 

God has been exceedingly good to us down here. 

I treasure these memories in my heart. 

 

You Are Invited!!

You are invited to an online celebration party of praise to celebrate Anna's discharge from Oasis of Healing Clinic!

To the best of our knowledge, according to two separate ultrasounds, there is no sign of cancer in my liver or lymph, and the rest of the cancer is on its way out! 

 

The party welcomes songs, birds, flowers, stringed instruments, horns, family, friends, enemies, clapping, stomping, hugging, and even happy dancing with timbrels and harps! Praise God from Whom all blessings flow! 

 

Even the birds have been celebrating! Every morning recently just before and during sunrise, flocks of ducks and other birds celebrate the good news by flying in circles overhead!  

It couldn't have anything to do with the break in the terrible heat wave, the cooler mornings, or the beautiful dawns and sunrises! :)

I'm sure it's all about God's beautiful healing work at Oasis of Healing where several different women have left in recent months with cancer in total remission. 

Whenever a patient is discharged, he or she is allowed to play or sing a favorite song during a goodbye time. Another Christian lady who had her chair next to me and who left a few weeks ago had chosen to play a Resurrection hymn that she had recorded and sung all four parts for three years ago during Covid. It was outstanding! Another lady played "You'll Miss Me When I'm Gone" while nearly everyone cried and hugged around!

I decided if I was offered the chance, I'd choose "His Eye Is on the Sparrow."

 I hunted in more than one store, and finally found this almost sparrow at Hobby Lobby. And I sorted through several renditions on You Tube before finding a piano arrangement that worked perfectly in a key I could actually sing!

Sure enough, it was announced that Anna would have a song Friday afternoon!

Jonathan, who held the laptop for me with the song and sparrow scene on it while I sang, said he didn't think there was a dry eye in the room when I came to the end of the first verse, and the little Hobby Lobby sparrow found its way into sight in my hand.  

Every time the sparrow was mentioned, the little Hobby Lobby sparrow found its way into the song.

At the end of the song, my sweet Pakistani friends were the first to hug, and the one with my exact kind of cancer clung to me. I hugged all around, and was so touched when more than one person told me, "You've been a shining light here in the clinic!" Different ones wanted to keep in touch.

Today I had one final short treatment at the clinic, and, due to my blood pressure being awfully low, ended up having my port accessed long enough to give me a liter of saline. The hot weekend and two trips to church had taken their toll, I guess! But then I was able to be on my feet all afternoon packing with a clear mind and only stopping to be weak and shaky about once. 

I have to admit I did stop today long enough to blog this post!

Tomorrow we move out of this amazing condo back to Gospel Center to leave our Honda and stuff there for a couple weeks while we fly to SD for two weeks. Jonathan found very inexpensive tickets to Sioux Falls, saving a few hundred that it would have cost to fly to Rapid City. The plan is to come back here to Arizona for an oral surgery to correct some important issues that were probably a root cause for cancer, get a few follow-up treatments, and then drive back to SD in mid-October. 

We will miss the beautiful sunrises and sunsets here--and so much more,

the quails, the doves, the ducks, the fountains, the lake, the trails, the saguaro and barrel cacti, the bouganvillae, the brick patio out back where we watch the sun rise and the moon rise and the ducks circle and the bats swoop.

But God will be with us

where ever we go.