Crystal Back Home!

Crystal came home from Africa just long enough to pack up and say goodbye again!

And of course, (knowing her mother)

squeezing a few pictures in of all the sisters with mom. 

It was next to impossible to get the boys and dad to cooperate for pictures--

except to get Sam to take this one--

and have him throw a garter snake into Hannah's lap just as he snapped the photo!!

Obviously Hannah hadn't even figured out what had landed in her lap yet when Sam snapped the picture.

You can see the cute little garter snake curled up behind her arm on her lap.

And Mom screeching the loudest of anyone!

We tried another arrangement of us all, but I liked the one above on top the best.

We had all tried to dress in white skirts with pink blouses to celebrate being all together again.

Our family sang "How Big Is God," for a morning special, and after the service the Kearneys had planned a "going away" potluck for Crystal's going away to college. 

It was so kind of everyone who joined us. Sis. Kearney had bought this beautiful cake that was one of the best I ever tasted, with a caramel frosting that tasted a bit like coffee. It was hard to stop eating the icing and I don't usually eat icing like that.

Paula and Janet McVey were some of the ones who came. Janet works at Compassion Ministries, and I have come to appreciate the work of Compassion a lot more since following the blog of Ann Voskamp who is involved in promoting such ministries to suffering people worldwide.

Jonathan and me with our firstborn daughter--age 19 1/2 and ready to head off from the nest.

Crystal with her Grandma and Grandpa Lucas

Someone snapped this one of Jonathan and me visiting with Jonathan Finch, who is cousin to Dale Adams.

Jonathan Finch confirmed the news we'd heard that Dale had proposed to Margaret Durfee--and she accepted! 

So a widow whose husband died of cancer about 16 years ago and a widower whose wife died of cancer recently are making each other happy once again. We're happy for them, just as we are for Sharon Weaver who just posted pictures of her quiet wedding and reception last Saturday.

She is now Sharon Weaver Schuman, and we're happy for her, too, especially since we understood that Sharon's three sons and Mr. Schuman's three daughters were all in favor of the happy arrangement!

Crystal had bought these four pretty crinkly denim skirts in Namibia for souvenirs!

We were so excited to all match!

Crystal showing her brothers and sisters pictures of her trip to Africa.

The children had been begging to go up Pikes Peak, and so we made plans to do it before Crystal left. Sam, Carrie and Rose wanted to hike it! They had been walking a mile or more a day to get in shape for the 13.5 mile hike. So they left at 5:00 Monday morning with their back packs to start up the trail at 6:15.

They made it to the top in 6 1/4 hrs. We were so proud of them! The rest of us, having picked up Jonathan from his work for this half day excursion, arrived just after they did.

Jonathan asked if we wanted to ride this cog sometime, but it costs an arm and a leg and maybe a nose and chin, too, so I said we could have as much fun going up some mountain trail for free. 

I have more photos of us gathering mushrooms on the way down, but for later. 

We returned Jonathan to where part of his crew was working--right in the same building where Jonathan had practiced in band for many of his growing up years. Another school has bought out the land and buildings that Grace Tabernacle and People's Bible College used to have.

Jonathan's guys were putting in restrooms in the same building where Jonathan played in band and where his dad worked in the print room in the back of this picture.

The guys were lacquering doors for the doorways of the restroom, and for the door they had cut into this wall where there used to be no door. 

Jonathan wanted me to ride with him while Crystal and Sam drove the children home, so I went along on one of his typical daily (or maybe thrice daily) trips to his favorite store--Home Depot.

Almost every day, if not several times a day, he loads lumber and other things for his work.

And is almost constantly supervising over the phone.

At home, the girls harvest some of the carrots and beets they are so proud of growing in our small raised beds.

Carrie even grew a broccoli!

Soul Words

So what kind of "soul words" have we shared lately with those we love?

Not words about events, news, other people, or even what we believe.

But soul words.

Words expressing how we feel.

Words expressing emotions. 

I found a gem of a book last week at Focus on the Family called How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage.

It talked about how many people tend to avoid expressing themselves with "soul words," 

because it didn't happen much in their family of origin. 

 

We often grow up unable to share our hearts and feelings because when we did so we were either ignored, scorned, blamed or otherwise treated badly for it.

So we end up with one of four or five styles of relating that impair how we love:

1) the Avoider Love Style

2)The Pleaser Love Style

3) The Vacillator Love Style

4) The Chaotic (Controller and Victim) Love Style

The Avoider has learned to shut down his emotions till he doesn't know he has any, and to avoid emotions, deeply felt hugs, vulnerability and closeness to others. 

The Pleaser spends his life trying to please others in order to get the love and closeness he or she craves. They don't know how to say no and they often end up being used. They also end up building up resentment against the people they are struggling so hard to please because they don't have healthy boundaries.

The Vaccillator has suffered so much that in his efforts to find the love and closeness he craves, he ends up with such idealistic expectations that no one can ever meet them, and he ends up constantly disappointed and unhappy with those around him. He thinks his spouse will satisfy all the longings of his heart, and when the spouse doesn't, the vacillator ends up disillusioned and may start looking elsewhere.

The Chaotic relational style comes from a home situation where there was abuse or parents or other figures who were either extremely controlling or negligent. Such people end up being either weak victims or selfish controllers themselves to try to make sure they aren't hurt again. 

Then the book talked about examples of what happens when people with certain styles of relating

marry each other!

You sort of wish you could swat each other sometimes!

And then the book shows how each style can start learning to understand themselves and each other, especially regarding your styles of unhealthy relating, and begin to take steps toward healthy change.

One of those steps was to start communicating using what the book calls "soul words."

 

These are words that express our feelings and emotions--giving people a peek into the window of our soul.

How often do we express ourselves using such words as

happy, relieved, secure, thrilled, loving, tender, responsive, appreciative, enthusiastic, playful, determined,

or anxious, uneasy, restless, burdened, afraid, apprehensive, confused, betrayed, ashamed?

The book said that a key question to ask ourselves is can you remember a time in your family of origin when you were comforted?

How did your family of origin respond when you were sad or angry or hurt?

How were your feelings treated?

Were they ignored, brushed off, made fun of, punished?

And now, how are we treating the next generation?

Are our children free to express their feelings in healthy ways?

 

This does not mean we allow temper tantrums or selfish or wrong or subtly manipulative behavior.
Neither does it mean we cater to every whim and let our children control and manipulate us.
(We had a small child who was crying last night and acting mad and whimpering because she said she didn't know if her daddy loved her now or not, when he had to get tough with her about obedience. We realized that when this happened the second time in a matter of days, she was trying out a new manipulation tactic, and we made sure it did not work for her.)
 But do we teach them how to express themselves with soul words so that they can communicate effectively, deal with problems in a healthy way, and learn to deal with root issues instead of surface things?

Do we seek a balance of tenderness and toughness?

Often parents who have never or rarely felt a deep love or felt soul comfort themselves have no idea how to deeply love and tenderly comfort a child.
They might feed, clothe, and educate them, and they may feel guilty for not loving their little bratty child and respond by giving him or her everything they want to try to take the place of true nurture--
which takes time and emotional energy.
Do we enjoy and nurture our children? 

 Jonathan and I worked through a number of pages of this book together, taking time here and there over several days, and are finding our understanding of each other deepened and our marriage relationship richer, closer, and more fulfilling. 

And because these thoughts were such a blessing to us personally, I spent a while one night when I couldn't sleep putting these thoughts into this post.

We are also working at relating more patiently and lovingly to our children. 

Nurture is what is it about.

Bringing them up in the "nurture and admonition of the Lord."

Who doesn't need more hugs, more understanding, and more kind words along with the admonition, instruction, correction and discipline?

More "soul words"?

I recommend this book to every married couple and family!

Bishop's Castle

On our way home from our 2-day camping trip, we stopped for an hour or so at Bishop's Castle.

Here Sam has climbed to one of the high points.

And the girls are climbing the stairs.

A castle can be a refuge--or just a scary high place.

Sam and Carrie went everywhere there was to go, and Jonathan took Danny and Hannah almost everywhere there was to go.

I preferred to stay on the ground. 

I had been in this castle several years back, maybe ten years ago, and didn't see the need in climbing the heights again. 

I didn't feel like I had anything to prove. 

I thought these chipmunks had the right idea--scampering around with their feet firmly on the ground.

 Chipmunks don't need to prove anything like we people seem to need to. 

I've had to realize that there have been areas in my life where I felt the need to prove something--

a need which has been stripped away from me lately

inside the school of hard knocks. 

You don't have to climb to the highest pinnacle, or down to the lowest mine to prove that you aren't afraid.

You don't have to go across bridges that have next to nothing under them

just to prove that you can connect with people who don't want to connect with you. 

You don't have to climb into scary places and wave at the people down below 

just to prove you are somehow braver and better or wiser or stronger or smarter than they are.

You don't have to climb up into scary heights just to prove that you care about the world around you.

And you don't have to climb down the wire bridge till you are looking down at the fire-breathing

dragon to prove that you can get that close to him without getting zapped.

 You don't have to climb into scary places and do things you don't feel comfortable doing

just to please people. 

Not even if everybody is doing it.

Because if you aren't doing it, not everybody is doing it. 

It's okay to do something different. 

It's okay to enjoy the chipmunks down on the solid ground and make supper for your family in the motor home and be glad when everyone makes it back safe and sound.

We don't have to prove anything.

And we don't have to please everybody. 

 We just have to be ourselves, and please God.

And let others make fun if they must, and scorn if they want to. 

God is a castle for us, but He is a refuge and not a frightening experience.