Soul Words

So what kind of "soul words" have we shared lately with those we love?

Not words about events, news, other people, or even what we believe.

But soul words.

Words expressing how we feel.

Words expressing emotions. 

I found a gem of a book last week at Focus on the Family called How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage.

It talked about how many people tend to avoid expressing themselves with "soul words," 

because it didn't happen much in their family of origin. 

 

We often grow up unable to share our hearts and feelings because when we did so we were either ignored, scorned, blamed or otherwise treated badly for it.

So we end up with one of four or five styles of relating that impair how we love:

1) the Avoider Love Style

2)The Pleaser Love Style

3) The Vacillator Love Style

4) The Chaotic (Controller and Victim) Love Style

The Avoider has learned to shut down his emotions till he doesn't know he has any, and to avoid emotions, deeply felt hugs, vulnerability and closeness to others. 

The Pleaser spends his life trying to please others in order to get the love and closeness he or she craves. They don't know how to say no and they often end up being used. They also end up building up resentment against the people they are struggling so hard to please because they don't have healthy boundaries.

The Vaccillator has suffered so much that in his efforts to find the love and closeness he craves, he ends up with such idealistic expectations that no one can ever meet them, and he ends up constantly disappointed and unhappy with those around him. He thinks his spouse will satisfy all the longings of his heart, and when the spouse doesn't, the vacillator ends up disillusioned and may start looking elsewhere.

The Chaotic relational style comes from a home situation where there was abuse or parents or other figures who were either extremely controlling or negligent. Such people end up being either weak victims or selfish controllers themselves to try to make sure they aren't hurt again. 

Then the book talked about examples of what happens when people with certain styles of relating

marry each other!

You sort of wish you could swat each other sometimes!

And then the book shows how each style can start learning to understand themselves and each other, especially regarding your styles of unhealthy relating, and begin to take steps toward healthy change.

One of those steps was to start communicating using what the book calls "soul words."

 

These are words that express our feelings and emotions--giving people a peek into the window of our soul.

How often do we express ourselves using such words as

happy, relieved, secure, thrilled, loving, tender, responsive, appreciative, enthusiastic, playful, determined,

or anxious, uneasy, restless, burdened, afraid, apprehensive, confused, betrayed, ashamed?

The book said that a key question to ask ourselves is can you remember a time in your family of origin when you were comforted?

How did your family of origin respond when you were sad or angry or hurt?

How were your feelings treated?

Were they ignored, brushed off, made fun of, punished?

And now, how are we treating the next generation?

Are our children free to express their feelings in healthy ways?

 

This does not mean we allow temper tantrums or selfish or wrong or subtly manipulative behavior.
Neither does it mean we cater to every whim and let our children control and manipulate us.
(We had a small child who was crying last night and acting mad and whimpering because she said she didn't know if her daddy loved her now or not, when he had to get tough with her about obedience. We realized that when this happened the second time in a matter of days, she was trying out a new manipulation tactic, and we made sure it did not work for her.)
 But do we teach them how to express themselves with soul words so that they can communicate effectively, deal with problems in a healthy way, and learn to deal with root issues instead of surface things?

Do we seek a balance of tenderness and toughness?

Often parents who have never or rarely felt a deep love or felt soul comfort themselves have no idea how to deeply love and tenderly comfort a child.
They might feed, clothe, and educate them, and they may feel guilty for not loving their little bratty child and respond by giving him or her everything they want to try to take the place of true nurture--
which takes time and emotional energy.
Do we enjoy and nurture our children? 

 Jonathan and I worked through a number of pages of this book together, taking time here and there over several days, and are finding our understanding of each other deepened and our marriage relationship richer, closer, and more fulfilling. 

And because these thoughts were such a blessing to us personally, I spent a while one night when I couldn't sleep putting these thoughts into this post.

We are also working at relating more patiently and lovingly to our children. 

Nurture is what is it about.

Bringing them up in the "nurture and admonition of the Lord."

Who doesn't need more hugs, more understanding, and more kind words along with the admonition, instruction, correction and discipline?

More "soul words"?

I recommend this book to every married couple and family!