Meadowlark Mornings--Trusting When You Don't Know What to Do

Last week it was so warm one morning that I went outside to fold laundry--just so I could be in the sunshine and fresh air--

and so I could listen to the meadowlarks. Last spring when we were making trips up here and camping out in the RV, I'd hear the meadowlarks all the time.  That was one blessing of living in a cramped RV!

So I pretended to be camping again. 

Because sometimes you just need to get outside, away from the counter full of meds and concoctions and powders and supplements and all the work staring in the face--

just go fold laundry outside and croon to the chickens.

Go out where the goats are setting off to find the newest green grass. 

And then in the evening, go outside again, walking up the driveway, watching the beautiful South Dakota sunset.

Tonight it's Sunday, and it's late and I can't sleep. 

I wish I could just sit all day and listen to meadowlarks, but the clinic in Arizona is contacting me about doctor visits and check ups, 

and it's obvious the cancer is not going away.

I remember different times in my life when God specifically spoke to my heart and led me in certain directions,

or specifically gave me perfect peace about something I was doing.

But this cancer has left me over and over feeling as if I just simply don't know what to do. 

Especially when the doctors at the clinic which had been so helpful sent me off last time telling me that if I believed, my cancer would go away and I wouldn't need to use those herbs I was thinking to start using. 

I don't suppose I would need the clinic's drugs or checkups or their recommended diet, either. 

If I just believed.

I can't sleep tonight, and I went out to the livingroom and knelt by a chair.

Dear God, I don't know what to do. I wish You would just tell me, like a Doctor, what to do. 

Instead, the words that come to mind are, "Can you trust God even when you don't know what to do?"

Can I trust God with all the uncertainty, the not knowing, the rather crazy things doctors say who also don't know exactly what the next step should be either?   

Are more drugs necessary, or just diet and supplements, stronger herbs, and protocol, etc. ? Will patience do the trick?

What does trusting God look like?

What does believing look like?

Pretending I don't have cancer?

Living in denial?

Doing nothing?

Going ahead and eating that iced doughnut and sausage and angel food cake?

Doing all I can and trusting God to do what I can't--or trusting Him to do it all? 

I don't know.