Anna's Afro--When Our Hopes Are Disheveled

I never would have believed that one day, first thing in the morning, I would look in my mirror and see this sight--Anna with an Afro!

What would my mother think of me?

Thankfully, my dear mother understands! She is just glad I have any hair at all right now! But that hair looks a bit like my heart feels right now--after the radiation doctor called this morning.

The skin lesion biopsy result came back--malignant. He said it's a reoccurrence of the same breast cancer. I had been worried about it for months, but every doctor brushed it off, including the oncologist, surgeon, and others. I kept showing and asking about it as it spread.

Maybe it was fungus. Maybe it was staph. Maybe it was a granuloma something or other. Finally this radiation doctor took it seriously and referred me to the dermatologist who took a biopsy. 

I was home alone when the doctor called. Jonathan was 80 miles away in Martin, Danny was 50 miles away the other direction in Winner, and both girls were working at the hotel and wouldn't get back until four in the afternoon. When I drove up to the pastor's home, no one answered the door.

I knelt at my chair in my room, giving everything to God, willing to turn my fears and my worries and the future over to Him. And I went to the wall plaque that said, "Give Thanks," and I took it off the wall and held it in my hands up to God. By my window I stood, in this small and silent way giving God thanks for something I did not want--not trying to be super spiritual, just trying to be obedient. 

The doctor said he's ordering a PET scan as soon as possible. If the cancer is only in the lesion, superficial radiation will be the next step. If it is elsewhere, too, drugs may be necessary. That means chemo again.

I went outside to pick up this and that, putting away propane bottles, shovels, and bits of trash, taking out garbage and gathering eggs. And petting the dog. 

At least the dog was home with me. I needed someone...the dog would have to do!

"God wants you to understand that it's a life of faith, not emotional enjoyment of His blessings," I read recently. 

As Thanksgiving season arrives, it may need to be filled with more faith and less emotional enjoyment of His blessings--though I still plan to look for those and experience those by God's grace. 

God's door will never be closed to me; He will always be here with me; and for that I give thanks.